The Mythical Mr. Right (repost from April 2006)

Today I thought I would share with you my feelings from 2006. I had just ended a relationship with my HS sweetheart that had lasted for six or so years and was madly in love with the "wrong" man, who was much too old for me and in a "complicated life situation" himself. I was far far far away from God and not giving him much thought at all especially not in my love life. You can tell by how I write how cynical and angry and disenchanted I am but I was also terrified and completely alone. I felt small and unwanted and unloved. This is a lot of bravado for how I actually felt. I had this tough girl exterior so no one would know what was really going on.

Although I had this "I don't need a man" attitude, in reality, that's all I wanted. I was desperate for it. Anyone who met me during that time could see it, feel it and smell it on me. I was driving away nice guys like a girl that hadn't taken a shower in 3 years. Sheesh.

It's sad that I was "excited" about the possibilities that wound up being mistakes. I wish instead of trying to find a "relationship", I would have worked on the relationship I had always had with God. I know I would have been more fulfilled, more satisfied and more loved. I'm so glad that I actually found "Mr. Right" and he is more than I could have imagined. He does leave his underwear on the floor and we do fight from time to time. But he's real and we really love each other, and we're in this for the long haul. It's good stuff that you can go from here to completely happy and married in July 07. That's the thing about life, when you think you're as far down as you can go, another mountain to climb is coming right up! If we could look at our whole life backwards from the end until the beginning, we would never be so discouraged because we could see that "this" is just for "now".

This is sad stuff (for me anyway) so I also wanted to also say this. I think it's completely ironic that almost exactly 2 years ago, people were standing over me yelling "push push". I have spent most of my day standing over Eli yelling "push push"! ah the ciiiiiiircle of life.

Enjoy!

• Apr 12, 2006

  The mythical Mr. Right

  
  

  Is he real?

  You grow up thinking that one day you will meet prince charming, It's every girls dream right? You dream about your wedding day, the white dress and the romance. The whole dream is surrounded by a fuzzy, gauzy, white cloud of happiness. You feed on this dream your whole life. You think you've found him in your first kiss then your dreams are shattered. Then you think its your first steamy, passionate night of love. Again you are crushed. Then you think you've found it in the cool, peaceful first stirrings of true love. Youre pinched. You wake up. And so on and so on.

  Is it that we put too much faith in this mythical prince? Why do we think its only one man? That this one person has to fulfill all of our dreams of marriage, love and passion.

  We know were all different. To say there's a prince charming is to say there is a perfect man. Aren't we sure that that is not true? Is there a perfect woman for that matter?

  There will be that romantic day you walk down the aisle. I believe in the magic that surrounds it. There will be passion and love. Probably even the gauzy white stuff. But the honeymoon will end. He won't pick up his underwear off the floor. (ain't that the truth) He won't make passionate love to us every night. He won't ride a white horse. He'll fart and cuss and make us so mad, so miserable.

  But when I find him I won't fault him for any of that because I'm not going to look for everything in one man. I won't have to because I'm learning to find all of that stuff in me. I am becoming someone so different so fast. Every morning I wake up I realize I'm not who I was yesterday or the day before. I was so scared the first moment it happened. I thought "but I liked her. Hell I loved her".

  Change is scary. Finding out that there are many people to fall in love with is scary. Being single is scary. Not believing in prince charming is scary. But it's so exhilarating

  I love that there are passionate guys, soft spoken ones, romantic ones and tough ones, thoughtful ones and not so thoughtful, interesting ones and intelligent ones, artistic ones and not. There are so many different guys and so many different people to meet.

  For the first time in my life. I'm not looking forward to that day. I actually couldn't care less if I ever get married. If I ever find just one guy. There are way too many possibilities for me right now to even think that way. I'm so young. There's so much out there. The first thing I thought this morning was possibility.

  My mind is racing with everything I can be. All the people I can meet. All the not so princey prince charmings out there. Every person I meet has a new story something I've never heard before. Different eyes that have seen the same things I have but in different ways. Different hand movements new words new ideas. I am at the most thrilling moment of my life. The moment where I actually realize its all about me. This is my life and I get to live it hear that? I get to LIVE it. Its not predetermined I dont have to make decisions because others like it or dont like it.

  Yeah I've been hurt by this ideal. There is one man who can tear me down so fast and then in the next breath he can build me back up. I've held my breath waiting for his smile his touch his laugh a kind word but I know how I feel about him. I understand where I am with it and Im ok.

  So I guess what I'm saying is contentment is something people search their whole life for. The feeling I have right now as I write this is utter contentment. I wouldnt change anything about my past or my present but I will change the future I'm on a new path.