Mommy: The Ride

I'm thinking there needs to be a "Mommy Ride" at Disney World. With a must be 48" to ride and a "no expectant mothers" sign at the entrance. (oh and a "must have penis" sign too) There's no need to scare the ones already condemned anticipating this lovely journey. Note: if pregnant please do not read. There! you've been warned.

So this ride will start out in a stylish, slim, sexy cart and you will fly through a misty, romantic, flowery scene from 0-60 in 30 seconds. After that, time will slow to an agonizingly slow pace where the ride will get hot and the car will start to shrink on you while poking you in places you didn't know existed. You will begin to beg to get off when you see a sign that says: next stage of ride - 1 month from here.

As the car squeezes you more and more, you finally come shooting out into daylight, endless sunny, daylight where the soundtrack of the ride becomes a high pitched, wailing cry that will not shut up quiet. Poop and vomit hails down on you as you struggle to try to sleep but the cart that was so tiny is now cavernous and lumpy. What was once so comfortable is now saggy and unfitting. You are so tired but the wailing oooooh the wailing. This goes on and on and on and on and when you almost jump out you finally you see a new part of the ride.

You burst out of "babyhood" and into "toddlerhood". The constant rain of puke ends but when you look down you realize you are now floating in a RIVER of poop. The car that was once sleek is now pocked and shapeless... it's even got little stains of Godknowswhat all over it. The soundtrack is now

MommyMommyMommyMommy WAAAIIILLLL MommyMommyMommyMommy WAAAIIILLL.

In order to keep the ride moving forward you figure out you have to feed it, and feed it, and feed it, and feed it. As soon as you run out of goldfish you have to start cramming fruit snacks into it. You have to look around and see if your cart is the most progressed one on the ride and if it's not, you have to start researching how to progress it farther while still feeding it.

fruit snacks. goldfish. juice. repeat.

As soon as you feel you have a rhythm going you find yourself...

AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RIDE AGAIN.

Maybe, just maybe, after riding this ride a few hundred times those people that live in your house (not naming names ahem daddy) will get it and fall on their knees thanking us profusely for the tireless, exhausting, thankless, endless job we do called "motherhood".

I gotta go... my five minute break (of my 24 hour shift) is up.

** I haven't gotten through the toddler stage of this ride so please do not tell me what comes next. I'll just stay on it because I have no choice it's such a lovely ride.

Around this time four years ago...

I was just thinking about life before children and it reminded me of this weekend, four years ago. Wow! How much we've changed! What a wonderfully beautiful journey and to think, the adventure's just begun!

Weekend in Paris

So... I guess you all know what happened this weekend. what you don't know is how hard I unintentionally fought it all weekend. lol. david told me we were going to the czech republic that weekend to watch some world war II reproductions and I was oh so thrilled... lol but I love him and I know he's into that stuff so I was going along. Needless to say at 5 am Saturday morning I wasn't just jumping out of bed to get to the train. so we were running late. he was stressed. I wore ridiculous shoes that rubbed all the skin off my ankles as we ran to the train. lol. We got there on time but apparently our train was cancelled to get to Frankfort. He was more stressed! lol we wound up spending 3 hours in the frankfort train station when we finally got there to wait on the next train to boredom city... or so I thought. Apparently I'm soooo oblivious because there were signs everywhere that said Paris. but I didnt know until the conductor some ways into the train ride woke me up by announcing that we were going to Paris. ... I was like... OMG DAVID? are we on the wrong train!!! lol he's like no baby... Are we going to Paris! and well...

so we get there and we have dinner at a little cafe on the street. its cute because all of the outside chairs face the street so that you can people watch. after dinner we go exploring... in hindsight we both would have gotten a cab to the interesting part of Paris because we walked a good 5 miles... we walked to the Lourve and then all the way down the river towards the eiffel tower... somewhere during the walk i was cold and wanted to wear his jacket and he was like NO! put your own on... lol Since when was he not a gentleman?? lol then a couple hours later i try to put my hand in his pocket and he shoos my hand away.... i'm like what is the freakin deal with this jacket today. and the thought enters my head... i mean we are in paris for gods sake... so when we go to sit on a bench i look at his pocket... there's a box indention... OMG!!! so we get in a cab and go back to the hotel... ok so maybe i imagined it...

next day... we spent all day in the Lourve... from 10am to 6pm... lol and we decide to once again walk to the eiffel tower. when we leave it's raining... really pouring. and the way that we have to go is all dirt... i'm of course wearing flip flops... so for those of you who dont know me well enough... i hate having my feet dirty. i wash them 3 times a day sometimes... so we start walking... through the mud and the rain. my feet. are. dirty. there is mud squishing between my toes... i'm miserable. lol so we finally get to the champs de elysses (spelling? I dunno im not french) and we are going to walk down it. but i want hot chocolate... lol and somewhere dry. he humours me... thats when he tells me we're not going back to the hotel. aggggh!!! we have 11:30pm tickets to a burlesque show. and i'm supposed to go with dirty feet? i freak out. so hes trying to buy me shoes... lol i dont like anything...and it's all way too expensive. in the end we get a cab back to the hotel so that i can change shoes. lol by the time we get to the eiffel tower and up and back down again it's time to go the show... in line though, i'm playing with the zipper on his breast pocket and he slaps my hand... i'm still like what's the freakin deal with this jacket.

after the show he had plans to take me back to the eiffel tower and propose to me then. when we got out of the show... after our bottle of champagne i was drowsy and tipsy and wanted to go home... LMAO im my own worst enemy... there were no taxis to be found and my teeth are literally chattering... it was so cold. so he takes me home. when he askes me what's wrong that night... im just drunk enough to admit that i thought he was going to propose in paris and that i was somewhat dissapointed... yeah yeah i feel like an ass now...

the next morning he's up at 8am telling me to get up ... take a shower... lets get breakfast... and i'm like? are you kidding??? lets sleep in... we don't have to check out until noon our plane doesn't leave till 1pm... no breakfast... lunch is better... no no no let's go... agggh... i'm aggravated. so we eat breakfast and i once again put on my trusty flip flops (im so buying new tennis shoes this week) and we trudge out into the rain again. well davids really tall and i'm really short and he's trucking it holding the umbrella... so im walking behind him at my own pace pulling our suitcase... in the rain... grumbling... lol we get to the train station... i'm so happy ... its warm and dry... and i'm following him all around inside. then all of a sudden he goes back outside and hails a taxi... are you freakin kidding???? lol i'm not talking to him at all at this point and im wet and cold and miserable. i ask him where we are going and he says i haven't seen the arc le triumph... The ARC??? you woke up me up to take me to the arc that we've been driving past the last 2 days? are you kidding me? i go back to staring out the window. i notice that we're going back to the eiffel tower. i think to myself... hell no we're not walking to this arc from here... over my dead body... lol

out of the car. over the river. up a hill... the rain has stopped. he walks me over to the beautiful fountains i hadn't noticed before and says this is the best place to see the eiffel tower... still in my head im thinking... i got up for this?? so we take pictures... one of me one of both of us that i'm so upset didnt turn out well... lol and then we just sit there for a sec... ive finally had enough and i get up to go and make him follow me for once and he says chelsea i've been trying to get you to this spot all weekend. he kneels down and looks in his bag... ON ONE KNEE... smooth. he says, i've got something for you. and when i look back down he's on one knee with a ring box... chelsea, i want you to be my wife. will you marry me? i think the first thing i said was... i'm such a bitch....lol but i was crying and it was perfect and i'll never forget it as long as i live! :) i love him!

Still the best decision I've ever made!

(I still don't wear tennis shoes)

The husband conundrum...

We all have our strengths and weaknesses and never is it more apparent than in our marriages.Me? I'm a big picture sort of girl. You can come to my house in any given moment and it will *look* clean. I love to sweep, vacuum, stash everything in a closet right before you get to my house clean up. But I am terrible.... horribly terrible at the little stuff. Mostly, the bills and massive piles of paper that come into our house daily. So I shrug it off on my husband.

This is what it winds up looking like in a mere couple of weeks.

So, in my normal fashion, I have a complete panic attack and start *mad* cleaning. Which in this case involves getting a big box and stuffing it all in there so that I can dust and clean what's underneath all that crap. I then take the box and put it on his side of the bed. Because this is, after all, his job. (So I say.)

So that night when I go to bed this is what I find.

You can't blame me for trying though... right?

Fake burrito

So yesterday was Mother's day and I decided I wanted Moe's for lunch. It's one of those burrito bars that is SO yummy and SO good for my thighs. Anyhoo, we arrive and it goes a little like this:

Burrito Guy: What would you like?

Me: A steak burrito

BG: A fake burrito?

Me: Yes!

BG: A FAKE burrito?!

Me: (confused) YES a STEAK burrito

BG: (turns red) Ma'am we don't have... I don't know what.... like do you want lowfat beans?

Me: ((bewildered))

BG: OOOOOH you said STEAK burrito... STEAK... I thought you said fake...

Damn lisp.