Mommy: The Ride

I'm thinking there needs to be a "Mommy Ride" at Disney World. With a must be 48" to ride and a "no expectant mothers" sign at the entrance. (oh and a "must have penis" sign too) There's no need to scare the ones already condemned anticipating this lovely journey. Note: if pregnant please do not read. There! you've been warned.

So this ride will start out in a stylish, slim, sexy cart and you will fly through a misty, romantic, flowery scene from 0-60 in 30 seconds. After that, time will slow to an agonizingly slow pace where the ride will get hot and the car will start to shrink on you while poking you in places you didn't know existed. You will begin to beg to get off when you see a sign that says: next stage of ride - 1 month from here.

As the car squeezes you more and more, you finally come shooting out into daylight, endless sunny, daylight where the soundtrack of the ride becomes a high pitched, wailing cry that will not shut up quiet. Poop and vomit hails down on you as you struggle to try to sleep but the cart that was so tiny is now cavernous and lumpy. What was once so comfortable is now saggy and unfitting. You are so tired but the wailing oooooh the wailing. This goes on and on and on and on and when you almost jump out you finally you see a new part of the ride.

You burst out of "babyhood" and into "toddlerhood". The constant rain of puke ends but when you look down you realize you are now floating in a RIVER of poop. The car that was once sleek is now pocked and shapeless... it's even got little stains of Godknowswhat all over it. The soundtrack is now

MommyMommyMommyMommy WAAAIIILLLL MommyMommyMommyMommy WAAAIIILLL.

In order to keep the ride moving forward you figure out you have to feed it, and feed it, and feed it, and feed it. As soon as you run out of goldfish you have to start cramming fruit snacks into it. You have to look around and see if your cart is the most progressed one on the ride and if it's not, you have to start researching how to progress it farther while still feeding it.

fruit snacks. goldfish. juice. repeat.

As soon as you feel you have a rhythm going you find yourself...

AT THE BEGINNING OF THE RIDE AGAIN.

Maybe, just maybe, after riding this ride a few hundred times those people that live in your house (not naming names ahem daddy) will get it and fall on their knees thanking us profusely for the tireless, exhausting, thankless, endless job we do called "motherhood".

I gotta go... my five minute break (of my 24 hour shift) is up.

** I haven't gotten through the toddler stage of this ride so please do not tell me what comes next. I'll just stay on it because I have no choice it's such a lovely ride.